Bliss and Mayhem

 This coming Wednesday will mark four weeks since my hysterectomy. It has been a long journey coming – this hysterectomy and with all the ailments that I had experienced over the last 20 years, including low grade cervical cancer, I could not have been happier seeing my uterus ripped out and put in the bin. That said, I am grateful that these organs allowed me to birth my two sons. They are the joys and absolute headaches of my life. I would (like most mothers I am sure) take a bullet for them and they always know that sanctuary of any sort will always be home for them. But a hysterectomy at 37 you say? Yes, I do admit that Google will tell you that this surgery is quite early in my life, but after two decades of agony, constant pain, bloating to the size of looking like I am six months pregnant and the fact that I had finished have all the children that I desired, it really was a no brainer. We live in rural Victoria. Our main town, Mildura has a hospital, and I was aware that ...

 It's been a bad day.  Not a travesty, but a day of anxiety, overload of emotions, countless puffs from many a ciggies and all in all just a bleh.  Where the fuck has 2020 gone? How did we get from free world to lockdown and oppressions and wearing masks???? I  burnt my 2020 planner, close with my 2020 diary, because why the fuck, hey? Let's just write this year off as a mistake on a humanity scale and start fresh in 2021.  Funnily enough, I bought a $4 2021 diary. So there may be hope. My beloved is struggling. Which  means that I am struggling, Seeing him in pain, no sleep, swelling joint agony, depression and all the things that entail chronic illness. I'm at a loss as to how to help him, I just sit and be with him and tell him every day that i will be by his side till the rest of my days.  At least 2020 has shown us this: What actually is important in our life, What actually matters, like really really matters,  The latest model car o...

    “Run. Run and don’t look back.” These were the words of a very accomplishment psychiatrist which I attended for a session at the request of my Mother. My parents had been going to counselling sessions there and she had asked if either of their daughters was willing to come for a session so that she may explore a child’s perspective of the dynamics of our family. My sister declined. She avoids conflict wherever possible and hold all her cards remarkably close to her heart. I have only seen her lose her shit perhaps a couple of times whereas I on the other hand, bare my heart and soul on my sleeve and lose my shit whenever needed. I was happy to oblige the request – but I was not paying the therapists bill for that hour. I suppose every family has their secrets. Every family would like to be perceived from the outset that they are that loving, picket fence perfect, always there for each other type family. Facebook photos are there to show you this all the time. Ha! Sp...

 What the fuck is going on in this world of ours? I mean, really. 2020 was supposed to BE, THE YEAR – and then it all went to shit with lockdowns, grim reaper viruses and eternal long days of Netflix and then even more Netflix. How are you travelling? I’ve gained a beauty of 8kg in #isolyf. I have discovered that I indeed enjoy all things sweet – in particular, Donuts ( of all sorts but KRISPY KREME – you have my heart) and Strawberry Iced cream filled cakes from Coles. Oh and the wine. Yes a bottle a day. Me love any drop at the moment. I’ve caught up on the entire series of Gossip Girl – 10 years after its release and I have perfected the art of doing fuck all. Just ask Steve 😊 With this teeny weight gain #isosympathyweight, I was in need of new jeans. Well, do you think there were many options available in Desert Land? Yeah, Nah. But at least Kmart has a $15 pair made in Bangladesh and Just Jeans had a boyfriend pair down to $20 from $79.90. I desperately need Botox. I w...

 This post will most likely be banned on any social media accounts I share to. Censorship has been coming in hard and clear – even more so in the past few months. While I have been indulging myself in all seasons of Gossip Girl, Tiger King and Real Housewives of Anywhere, I have also been digging deep with the help of some like minded souls into Science Censorship, Liberty stealing and heart wrenching conformance that has been occurring around the globe. In many ways, 2020 for my little family has been positive. Deleting the last few days of a polar blast over the southern states of Australia bringing Winter overnight with freezing, blizzard winds and rain that was howling sideways over the rooftops. Other than that, we have had some wins here. When #Covid19 came to light – I had my fingers peeled on Google repeat. I was watching every single news article I could find, hitting refresh on all the latest updates on Facebook, the big five News establishments as well as TV. It was ...

 It is just before 6am as I sit here on my back porch watching the sun slowly rise for another day. What day is it? #isolyf has got me all confused to the day, date and month. With so many of us wishing and wanting “more time”, I have found myself getting bored of being bored and the motivation bug seems to come in slower and less frequently. How the world has changed in the unprecedented times, hey? It seems that here in #straya, we have quickly adapted to the powers that be and in the matter of weeks have become accustomed to the lack of interaction and movement. Does that concern you? How quickly we have been able to conform? I had to delete Facebook off my phone a few weeks ago as I was constantly checking #scomo and Googling “coronavirus” every other minute. The information overload brought on confusion as well as fear and I was working around feeling like doomsday was coming. The best thing that I did was switch off. The establishment news was only regurgitating stupidity ...

 It's quite ironic that I decided a few weeks ago to ease myself into the fad of meal planning. I was so sick of thinking of ideas of meals of what to make and Steve was no help as when i asked him,"what you want for dinner?" his answer was always" whatever you want". Grrrrrrrrrrr - uncommitted. So one afternoon with a cup of some alcoholic description, i went into my think tank which is my brain, and wrote down my repertoire of meals that i know how to make.  Now this will look different for every household. After scribbling away for some minutes, I realised that i actually can make quite a variety of meals quite well, without poisoning the family.  Before #IsoLyf took over, I had been quite a fan of click and collect either from Woolies or Coles when we lived in Melbourne. For whatever reason I stopped doing it since our tree-change to the farm which was quite silly as we now lived out of the main hub of Sunraysia and click and collect would have definitel...

 I had to delete Facebook off my phone. The last couple of weeks was a rabbit warren hole of doom and gloom, everybody sharing their thoughts on #COVID_19, constantly Googling "coronavirus australia" and watching the minute by minute up on all the news sites, from everywhere.  What the fuck did we all talk about before Coronavirus?  Life?  Bullshit? And now, in these unprecedented times, it seems that our world has shrunk physically as well as emotionally. I had to stop feeding the beast because the because was consuming every aspect of my daily life.  I'm on day two without Facebook. To be honest, I thought it would be harder than it has been. Admittedly, I still jump onto my beloved Instagram 17,500 times a day, but I have found Instagram to be a quieter and calmer platform to be on than the mayhem, panic driven bullshit that i was soaking in prior.  So how is #IsoLyf treating you?  We're lucky enough to have plenty of space. We also have alwa...

 One of the things (and there are only a few) that I miss living in the busy suburbs of Melbourne, is fresh cut flower. I used to at the very least, fortnightly, drive to my favourite small florist and get my little hands on a mixed variety of colourful vase holding delights. The desert makes it hard for a novice green thumb like I to grow my own. The farm plot that we own has a high salinity content in the soil which means a bit of work is needed in making up the correct soil with the correct goodness and ph. levels to sustain a colourful flower bed. I do admit however, that since our move to the Mallee Oasis, I have learnt quite a bit about the hobby that is gardening. I’m now more aware of the changing seasons, pruning is a term that I actually know what it means, and ever-green and deciduous are now terms I ask each time I go to a nursery to buy more trees. Succulents are a good beginner starter and I have fallen in love with the Elephant Ear Plant as well as the Mother in L...

 I was awoken early this morning by my gorgeous adopted Lara. She was barking to go for a little wee. It must have been about 3am and i stumbled out of bed, walked into the wardrobe doors, caught my foot on the edge of the bed frame and smashed into the bedroom door. Damage is a sore foot, bruised shoulder and an ego a little shattered that i no longer have extra magical orientation skills in the pitch dark.  So wobbling and hobbling to the coffee machine this morning - the standard ritual with a dose of anti depressant, i walked my feel sorry for myself little bod and commenced the daily ritual that has been the last 3 summers in the desert of sipping on my coffee, watching the sunrise while lighting the first cigarette for the day.  Yes folks. I'm still one of those that enjoys that nasty little habit.  There must be a little OCD in me as i then check the following apps religiously on my phone:  Calendar Period Tracker Instagram Bank Account Energy Au...

 I made a resolution this year to make no new years resolution. So far, so good. Planning and excel spreadsheets and lists – straight out the window. In times when those things should have helped, they didn’t – so out with the “be in control of every single thing, even the future that you cannot control, god damn it” and in with the “ what will be, will be, who the fuck cares anyway, just let it all go – mantra” Well someone forget to tell my closer to 40 than 30 year old body that there was a change in the status quo. The brain switch changed to ce la vie, and the body has turned into an absolute hurricane having absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on. Mind and Body for the last 2 years have been in fight, panic, despair mode. This has been the norm for quite some time now that in the last 48 hours, I think it has literally tried to shit itself and self-combobulate. I actually haven’t had a panic attack where I couldn’t move – until yesterday. For about 30 minutes lay fla...

 Finally, my book has a name.    So it begins............

 The Elf on the Shelf was officially shoved back into the black Christmas box straight after our festive lunch. I fucked the baked potatoes, plus the pork ended up inedible bar the crackle. Thank god the crackle survived.   If you’ve played along here for a while, you would well and truly know that I’m not the biggest fan of the silly season, insert “ this is bullshit, why do I have to cook all this food and decorate a fucking tree.” We’ve been lucky enough to not endure a sequel to “cyclone storm 2017”. December cemented our two year anniversary of our tree change and the past December didn’t bring the dramatic and catastrophic welcome that we experienced a couple of years ago. It feels longer than two years. And in some ways I can still recall leaving the “burbs” in the wee hours of the morning, waving the city life goodbye while we quietly drove through the city before the sun rose. I haven’t been back since, and I’m not sure I will head down to the big smoke anytim...

 After yesterday's Code Red that was declared across Victoria, including our new home The Mallee, we were engulfed in a Orange blaze of dust and extreme heat added with fire risk and winds that you couldn't imagine, I awoke today to a clear blue sky and yesterday was like a bad dream.  You never get used to the Dust Storms. But this time around we had forewarning, which meant that we battened down the hatches and worked out our escape plan if required.  Tonight, as i drove into our little town to pick up my eldest boy from his shift of work the below song came on. And the 3km drive into town from our farm, I had a big smile on my face. The windows were down in my car, fag in hand, belting out the tunes to the song that i walked down the aisle to over 11 years ago to the man that will always be the man for me.  Yes, I walked down the Aisle to a Jimmy Barnes song. And our farm is named "Flame Trees" as it's one of our favourite songs.  So through Dust Storms, ...

 This 35 th /36 th year of my life has been one of the biggest rides of ups and downs, my friends. We have been blessed. We have also been faced with much adversity to say the least. I have learnt that not all is, as it seems. And unfortunately for me, this lesson was one I never wanted to learn as I enjoyed my naivety that all in mankind is good.     It’s not.   I’m sorry if I’m the one that is bursting your bubble. Unfortunately, there are individuals out there that do not hold themselves in a moral and high regard. Some people are just dicks. And, it took me sincerely the last 12 months or so to realize this. Just because you wouldn’t do something doesn’t mean that someone else couldn’t, and easily fall asleep at night.   The written word has given me solace on many occasions to allow an outlet to shed myself of pain, discomfort, anger, disgust and sadness. Through re-reading these words I have been able to compartmentalize events, issues and stori...

 It’s been two days since I brushed my teeth. My topknot doesn’t look hip anymore, just a swiped up mop plonked on my head. Winter and relapses just aren’t my jam. But whose jam would they be? Two years ago yesterday we embarked on flying out to the desert in search of our dream tree-change. It came up in my memories in Facebook – all bright eyed and happily waiting for our flight up from Melbourne to sunny Sunraysia. If you had of told me of the challenges that we have had to face since we moved, I would have laughed it off. Advanced Rheumatoid Arthritis for one and a Mental Breakdown for the other. Great combo. I was actually going to try and bury this blog as far into the nether web web as I could and close it all down. The first sign was my domain renewal lapsing. Second was that I had felt no inclining to write in FOREVER. Third, my mojo for this writing gig had dwindled to an ant size poo along with any sort of motivation for much.   Hiding under the covers in bed ...

 It was a 40 something degree day, the day that the sky turned red and I thought that we had entered the set of a movie scene.  We had moved to our farm about 10 days earlier, still excited about being in a new area and even using GPS to get our bearings to get to the closest Kmart, Woolies and Coles ( which in reality is only 12 minute drive away ).  I had boxes still packed and piled up all around, barely emptied the kitchen items and essentials and was prepping for our first Christmas at the farm.  I call it a farm - in fact, it's just a block, 21 acres in total. The history of our "farm" was back in the day it was a roaring dairy farm with evidence still in some of our paddocks. It then evolved into a table grapes farm for many years. Cattle and sheep roamed for some time on these acres and then another farmer decided to pull all the vines out and plant acres upon acres of barley. I've been told that when it was planted with barley it looked magical with the f...

 Another beautiful sunrise i watched this morning.  Overnight is was a minimum of 25 degrees. Our "swampy" (evaporative cooling) was running all night. Most people hate sleeping in the heat but for some reason i find it the most comfortable.  You know Summer has hit the Sunraysia region when my ritual of watching the sunrise require sunglasses. The sun is BRIGHT.  It's Sunday. Which usually means that my mind starts preplanning for the week ahead. I look around the house and try to work out what needs to be cleaned up. Then I can't be bothered. It's only a couple of weeks till Christmas and I'm still trying to wrangle all the lists of what i want to get organised beforehand.  I hate Christmas time. Always have. But. The kids. The kids love this time of year.  So Santa is getting talked about here, we're trying to work out where he is going to park he sleigh on our farm. Jack definetly doesn't want him coming to his room and Santa needs to shrink t...

 What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Or hurls you into a mental breakdown. I'm doing okay. Of recent weeks, I've felt really strong. My mental state of mind has been good and then BAM. Hits you like bricks been thrown at you full throttle.  I have never felt this fragile my entire life like i have this year. It's like walking on eggshells in your mind and trying to maneuver your way around the track so you don't crush them even  more.  Giving mental high-fives to yourself when your "good day" means a smile and lightness and no sick feelings in the tummy, or clenching your fists tights to try and have some control over the physical reaction to anxiety.  It's fucking awful.  And the Virgo - control freak that I am, has felt so many times of helplessness in 2018. As much as my beloved can drive me absolutely crazy at times, my worry for him will never cease as we tackle his illness together.  For better and for worse.  I'm tired. I'm t...

 Have you ever truly thought you were going bat shit crazy? Like check me into a mental clinic and med me up so that the feeling of drowning and the tears stop and the complete sense of loss of control can go?   That was me. 5 weeks ago.     5 weeks ago, I hit the lowest of lows where my body gave in to the heightened stress and sadness and panic and anger and hopelessness that had been building and building where it got to a point where I couldn’t talk. I would sit underneath the shower for I have no idea how long, just feeling the beating of the water beads drip on me while my tears were hidden by the shower rain.   I had officially hit rock bottom. Rock bottom and absolutely terrified that I actually couldn’t hit rock bottom due to the strength that I so needed to have for my kids and especially for my man. My man, who has been battling this year with so much pain and I’m sure, fear in himself of how debilitating his illness at times is attacking his...