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break down - get up - break down - get up 

 What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Or hurls you into a mental breakdown. I'm doing okay. Of recent weeks, I've felt really strong. My mental state of mind has been good and then BAM. Hits you like bricks been thrown at you full throttle. 

I have never felt this fragile my entire life like i have this year. It's like walking on eggshells in your mind and trying to maneuver your way around the track so you don't crush them even  more.  Giving mental high-fives to yourself when your "good day" means a smile and lightness and no sick feelings in the tummy, or clenching your fists tights to try and have some control over the physical reaction to anxiety. 

It's fucking awful. 

And the Virgo - control freak that I am, has felt so many times of helplessness in 2018. As much as my beloved can drive me absolutely crazy at times, my worry for him will never cease as we tackle his illness together. 

For better and for worse. 

I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of the same shit coming out of my mouth. I hate that a lot of my conversations with people this year have been the same revolving sentences. 

Depression does that. And Anxiety exacerbates it. 

Depression also can shut people out. Because we just cannot cope with the call or the txt or the visit. And we then get mad with ourselves for doing the shutting out but - self preservation. 

Self- seclusion. 

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I'm 260 words into this post with absolutely no idea why i'm writing this down. I can hear the sprinkler going on out the front yard. There's no dust storm this evening, so my windows are open and light breeze is coming through. A friend gave me home grown Lily's and the scent is gently coming across the lounge. It's evening and the kids are in bed. Main squeeze has trundled off to his man cave. The house is quiet and I'm going to make a sandwich soon and trundle to bed. 

I miss writing here. I really, really, really miss writing. 

So I'm just going to start doing it. Whether they come out perfectly outlined and written - or a verbal dump. I've missed opening the back end of this patient little blog that just waits for me to log on. 

All i can say about the last few months from my experience is this: 

  1. For those going through mental illness - i hear you. 
  2. We beat ourselves enough for not making contact or never calling back - trust me, the guilt is beyond. 
  3. We may smile and be chirpy and be falling apart inside - you never really know what's going on. 
  4. Kindness received can be overwhelming - again guilt.
  5. The pure effort to complete simple things that you used to do with your eyes closed can break the soul. 
  6. Patience from those that love us is forever remembered. 
  7. Never ever listen to someone who puts you down for making decisions about your choice on how to manage your mental illness. If they slag you for medical intervention etc - tell them to go fuck themselves.
  8. People around you that love you will always love you. It's hard to grasp at times when you are "sinking into that cave" but it is really true. 
  9. Crying has helped. Remember to hydrate a shit load after though.
  10. If you just can't - it's okay, you don't have to.

I have found this ongoing experience so hard to take. I'm so disappointed within myself for the lack of strength. And I know that i shouldn't feel like that - but for the moment - this is my truth of how i feel.

Tomorrow will be better and I hope the next day too. 

Why can't this blog of mine be a bit more uplifting hey? Maybe sharing the Mayhem side of things can put into perspective that the online world can be so manufactured. 

Bliss and Mayhem. 

And there has been Bliss. So much Bliss. And I pinch myself so many times when watching the sunrise or sun sets of all the "Bliss" that I'm grateful for. 

But 2018 has shared with me that Mayhem side too. And the Mayhem side has been my own personal journey of break down - get up - break down - get up. 

I got motivated enough though to get our Country Xmas done early. Even Elf on the shelf arrived middle of November. List maker Cheryl is still there, but instead of writing the list and ticking it all off before starting a new one, I have 17 on the go. 

Mayhem list maker.

I'm hopeful for a lighter 2019. This mind needs a lighter 2019. 

Fingers crossed the Trifle i make for christmas is epic. 

I make a killer Trifle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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