I made a resolution this year to make no new years resolution. So far, so good. Planning and excel spreadsheets and lists – straight out the window. In times when those things should have helped, they didn’t – so out with the “be in control of every single thing, even the future that you cannot control, god damn it” and in with the “ what will be, will be, who the fuck cares anyway, just let it all go – mantra”
Well someone forget to tell my closer to 40 than 30 year old body that there was a change in the status quo. The brain switch changed to ce la vie, and the body has turned into an absolute hurricane having absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on.
Mind and Body for the last 2 years have been in fight, panic, despair mode. This has been the norm for quite some time now that in the last 48 hours, I think it has literally tried to shit itself and self-combobulate.
I actually haven’t had a panic attack where I couldn’t move – until yesterday. For about 30 minutes lay flat on my back and my mind raced about nothing, my fingers went numb and my whole body felt like it weighed a tonne. It was frightening and as quickly as it came on, it left, bar leaving me feeling like I’d had a little bit too much to drink.
Today, same. But after I recovered, I’ve just felt sad. Sad in the tummy. Don’t’ know why – there is no rhyme or reason to anxiety.
One of my besties video called me last night. I think she video calls to check that I’m physically okay. She came to the conclusion that perhaps it was from the mind not understanding that my usual “breakdown method” I had so quickly rejected that the body was not computing.
I’ll go with her theory, as it’s the best hypothesis we’ve come up with thus far.
There was a guy that Steve worked with many years ago. His name was Stu. If you ever had met Stu, you would have come across the mellowest, chilled, nothing fazes him type of bloke. I always admired that quality that he portrayed and there were many times when Steve would have a toddler fit for some random thing where I’d say “ Be like Stu, hun”. Who knows, Stu may have just been hiding under that mellow veil and there could be many many stories and hurts that I may never find out. But for the few times we had met, I really respected his outlook – the Aussie Dalai Lama.
There’s really no point to this post. No miracle treatment to share.
Except that, Stu sees the bright side, he doesn’t let the little stuff faze him.
I’m going to keep trying to be a bit like Stu.
** I don’t think Stu will ever read this, but if you do Stu – Thank you **
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