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Sunsets, Spring & Losing my Mind

 Have you ever truly thought you were going bat shit crazy?

Like check me into a mental clinic and med me up so that the feeling of drowning and the tears stop and the complete sense of loss of control can go?

 

That was me. 5 weeks ago.

 

Tears

 

5 weeks ago, I hit the lowest of lows where my body gave in to the heightened stress and sadness and panic and anger and hopelessness that had been building and building where it got to a point where I couldn’t talk. I would sit underneath the shower for I have no idea how long, just feeling the beating of the water beads drip on me while my tears were hidden by the shower rain.

 

I had officially hit rock bottom. Rock bottom and absolutely terrified that I actually couldn’t hit rock bottom due to the strength that I so needed to have for my kids and especially for my man. My man, who has been battling this year with so much pain and I’m sure, fear in himself of how debilitating his illness at times is attacking his body. How on earth could I think it was all right to totally lose my shit?

 

Lose my mind.

 

That’s the beauty of a mental breakdown. You cannot predict it. This mental breakdown was so terrifying for me that the loss of control, made me feel completely helpless.

 

Helpless. Hopeless.

 

And this control freak, Virgo, list maker, get it sorted woman couldn’t answer calls, return messages.

 

Just couldn’t.

 

And just shy of my 35th birthday I made the call to my doctor.

 

I was and am still experiencing a mental breakdown. I’m getting help now. The meds are balancing me out so now I have floaties on while bobbing on the water. I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore.

 

I’m still so fragile. I can feel little tiny slithers of mental strength returning but slowly, so ever slowly.

 

My sister came, my mother came, both my mother-in laws came. I have also a beyond amazing circle of women in my life that held me. I had women that didn’t take offence of the lack of contact over the last few months and were just there. I am beyond grateful.

 

My sister held my hand while I cried – she watched bullshit tv with me and when I didn’t’ want to talk – we didn’t.

My mother taught me to crochet and cleaned my house for me, literally spring cleaned every room and spent time with my boys to give me some respite,

My mother in laws listened and had wine and watched me cry so hard that I had a headache for 2 days after.

My friends checked in with me – even if they never got a response back.

 

Even the strongest fall. And the strongest sometimes are the ones that need the most help getting up.

 

To anyone that has every so slightly experienced this – I salute you in your successes of everyday getting up and getting on with it, I get you.

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