To my dearest-sweet-beautiful person in my life,
I've been quiet. I have also been distant, refrained and at times non-contactable. See, this anxiety beast that has grown over the last two years; it has been playing havoc with my insides. There are many times and days where I feel aokay, I am on top of the world - I smile, dance and laugh - and then this tiny burning feeling starts growing deep in my chest and it all comes crashing down around me - even if you cannot see it on the outside.
I understand, dearest-sweet-beautiful person in my life, how frustrating or confusing this may be for you. That in one instance, I seem fine and then the next, I don't reply to your text message for days. That's the mess that is, the Black Dog I suppose. It is such a thing in itself. Debilitating.
Dearest-sweet-beautiful person in my life - I'm here. 2017, has felt a little like an uphill marathon. Where seeing your name on my phone or reading your message can bring me to a crippling halt. And It's not you. Oh no, dearest-sweet-beautiful person in my life. It's me. It's my internal battle at the moment of feeling scared, or cornered, or not worthy or just plain tired. And I'm reaching out, ever so gently to a few - who are there - but not there - you know? Because I know dearest-sweet-beautiful person in my life, that we all are going through big things all the time. This is just my little big thing at the moment.
I just looked on here and had seen that I hadn't written anything here on my blog, my outlet for the last three months. A record of some sorts since I started. And the ideas and words are there - but staring at the blank screen, watching the cursor got tick,tick,tick - brings on those deep breaths and shakes and the shut down of the page has been just been easier.
I recently was chatting to one of my dearest-sweet-beautiful people in my life and and after trying to explain the torture that some of us feel when it comes to living with anxiety, I threw my hands up and just said, " I've got it, and I don't even fucking get it". That simple. I know it's there. I know how it can play with me at times but for the life of me, I don't understand it.
So, dearest-sweet-beautiful, person in my life, this is my jungle at the moment. Thank you for staying with me through this one and being ever so patient. Believe me when I tell you, I value you in my life. I'm just going through the rivers and the jungles and the paddocks of this thing I don't even understand.
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