Now I understand that every season serves its purpose, with the whole rejuvenating the earth and shit, but if you follow me on Instagram, you’d know by my praises for sunshine, pictures of Ugg Boots and wishing for Bali balmy sunset nights, that warm days are my thing and when the sun has slowly started to bestow its loving heat on my face during the day, I become a happy content lady.
The other week, I attended the Empowering Women Conference in Melbourne. I had the most fabulous day; my inspired bucket was over-flowing by the generosity of the beautiful women that spoke. I came back home feeling all warm and fuzzy.
The rest of this year was going to be full of “fist pump” kind of moments.
Then Monday came.
The whole day, I could feel those little twinges of anxiety creeping its fucked up head again. Juggling doing my work on this day, I was wrestling at my desk with tightness in my chest, dizziness, tears and I seriously felt like I was dying. All this was going on, while answering the phone, trying to have a smile on my face – I felt like I was dying.
For those that don’t know what anxiety feels like; I’m so glad that you don’t– it’s terrifying. And I really thought that my anxiety nightmare had dissipated, as I hadn’t had an anxiety attack like this for over a year. I did my controlled focused breathing, concentrated on slowing down my quickened movements, popped a couple of drops of rescue remedy under my tongue and attempted to listen to a 2 minute meditation session off my phone.
Today, nothing was fucking helping. Fuck.
All I wanted was to get home and rummage through my bedroom night stand for a Valium. Valium, which had been my friend for so long but 3 years ago I had chosen to stop relying on it.
Driving home, desperate to get home, hug my man and get into my pj’s, the gods were just not on my side this day. Over the space of 35 minutes (which is how long this drive home took) Four Harley Davidson motorcycles passed me. We lost 2 dear friends just under 6 months ago in a motorbike accident and ever since then every time I see any motorbike on the road it brings it all back.
Seriously world? Why on this day? With the day that I was having, why the fuck would you just throw that in? On top of my anxiety, it brought all my grief back to the forefront. I hadn’t cried that hard in a while, all while trying to keep my shit together to just get home. Just get home. Just get home.
So as much as I’m excited that winter is over, the sun is back, I’m even heading back to Bali next month with my man – Anxiety has paid me a visit. It scares the bejeebers out of me.
Next week 10th September is R U Ok Day.
A day dedicated to check in with your family and friends, work mates just to touch base and ask, “are you okay?”
If it wasn’t for a work mate that asked me that day, “are you ok?” and allowed me to articulate that I actually wasn’t or if Steve, who just knew when I stepped through the doors at home to give me a massive hug and allow me to just bawl and bawl – my nightmare of a day would have been so much worse.
We all have that gut intuition. Use it. Take a second, and not just for next week, and check in with your friends. Check in with your loved ones. Make that time. Write that txt message. You know the people around you that need a check in.
So here’s to Spring. And all that it can be.
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