Bliss and Mayhem

 I was awoken early this morning by my gorgeous adopted Lara. She was barking to go for a little wee. It must have been about 3am and i stumbled out of bed, walked into the wardrobe doors, caught my foot on the edge of the bed frame and smashed into the bedroom door. Damage is a sore foot, bruised shoulder and an ego a little shattered that i no longer have extra magical orientation skills in the pitch dark.  So wobbling and hobbling to the coffee machine this morning - the standard ritual with a dose of anti depressant, i walked my feel sorry for myself little bod and commenced the daily ritual that has been the last 3 summers in the desert of sipping on my coffee, watching the sunrise while lighting the first cigarette for the day.  Yes folks. I'm still one of those that enjoys that nasty little habit.  There must be a little OCD in me as i then check the following apps religiously on my phone:  Calendar Period Tracker Instagram Bank Account Energy Australia App Weather

 I made a resolution this year to make no new years resolution. So far, so good. Planning and excel spreadsheets and lists – straight out the window. In times when those things should have helped, they didn’t – so out with the “be in control of every single thing, even the future that you cannot control, god damn it” and in with the “ what will be, will be, who the fuck cares anyway, just let it all go – mantra” Well someone forget to tell my closer to 40 than 30 year old body that there was a change in the status quo. The brain switch changed to ce la vie, and the body has turned into an absolute hurricane having absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on. Mind and Body for the last 2 years have been in fight, panic, despair mode. This has been the norm for quite some time now that in the last 48 hours, I think it has literally tried to shit itself and self-combobulate. I actually haven’t had a panic attack where I couldn’t move – until yesterday. For about 30 minutes lay flat on

 Finally, my book has a name.    So it begins............

 The Elf on the Shelf was officially shoved back into the black Christmas box straight after our festive lunch. I fucked the baked potatoes, plus the pork ended up inedible bar the crackle. Thank god the crackle survived.   If you’ve played along here for a while, you would well and truly know that I’m not the biggest fan of the silly season, insert “ this is bullshit, why do I have to cook all this food and decorate a fucking tree.” We’ve been lucky enough to not endure a sequel to “cyclone storm 2017”. December cemented our two year anniversary of our tree change and the past December didn’t bring the dramatic and catastrophic welcome that we experienced a couple of years ago. It feels longer than two years. And in some ways I can still recall leaving the “burbs” in the wee hours of the morning, waving the city life goodbye while we quietly drove through the city before the sun rose. I haven’t been back since, and I’m not sure I will head down to the big smoke anytime soon. I

 After yesterday's Code Red that was declared across Victoria, including our new home The Mallee, we were engulfed in a Orange blaze of dust and extreme heat added with fire risk and winds that you couldn't imagine, I awoke today to a clear blue sky and yesterday was like a bad dream.  You never get used to the Dust Storms. But this time around we had forewarning, which meant that we battened down the hatches and worked out our escape plan if required.  Tonight, as i drove into our little town to pick up my eldest boy from his shift of work the below song came on. And the 3km drive into town from our farm, I had a big smile on my face. The windows were down in my car, fag in hand, belting out the tunes to the song that i walked down the aisle to over 11 years ago to the man that will always be the man for me.  Yes, I walked down the Aisle to a Jimmy Barnes song. And our farm is named "Flame Trees" as it's one of our favourite songs.  So through Dust Storms, sh

 This 35 th /36 th year of my life has been one of the biggest rides of ups and downs, my friends. We have been blessed. We have also been faced with much adversity to say the least. I have learnt that not all is, as it seems. And unfortunately for me, this lesson was one I never wanted to learn as I enjoyed my naivety that all in mankind is good.     It’s not.   I’m sorry if I’m the one that is bursting your bubble. Unfortunately, there are individuals out there that do not hold themselves in a moral and high regard. Some people are just dicks. And, it took me sincerely the last 12 months or so to realize this. Just because you wouldn’t do something doesn’t mean that someone else couldn’t, and easily fall asleep at night.   The written word has given me solace on many occasions to allow an outlet to shed myself of pain, discomfort, anger, disgust and sadness. Through re-reading these words I have been able to compartmentalize events, issues and stories into neat little cabi

 It’s been two days since I brushed my teeth. My topknot doesn’t look hip anymore, just a swiped up mop plonked on my head. Winter and relapses just aren’t my jam. But whose jam would they be? Two years ago yesterday we embarked on flying out to the desert in search of our dream tree-change. It came up in my memories in Facebook – all bright eyed and happily waiting for our flight up from Melbourne to sunny Sunraysia. If you had of told me of the challenges that we have had to face since we moved, I would have laughed it off. Advanced Rheumatoid Arthritis for one and a Mental Breakdown for the other. Great combo. I was actually going to try and bury this blog as far into the nether web web as I could and close it all down. The first sign was my domain renewal lapsing. Second was that I had felt no inclining to write in FOREVER. Third, my mojo for this writing gig had dwindled to an ant size poo along with any sort of motivation for much.   Hiding under the covers in bed every cha